Interview with Myself

I was bored recently, so I sat down with myself for a quick interview.

Q: How are you feeling today?
A: My heart rate is up. But it's not too bad I guess.

Q:Why do you think your heart rate is up? Are you nervous about something?
A: I've never been interviewed before.

Q: Well don't worry, all I do is ask questions.
A: Well I'm not stupid.

Q: I didn't say you were.
A: Well you implied it.

Q: Forgive me. May we move on?
A: Only if you apologize first.

Q: I just did.
A: Well then ok. Ask away.

Q: I've forgotten what I was going ask now.
A: Well then you are a terrible interviewer. And your mother is a tramp.

Q: Well that was just uncalled for.
A: I'm sorry. I get cranky when I haven't napped.

Q: Let's start off easy, where were you born?
A: Glendale. In a hospital. As a baby.

Q: And why did your parents name you Jacob?
A: It rhymes with "country club", very high class, you see.

Q: If you could go anywhere in the world at this very moment, where would you go.
A: 1996.

Q: ummm, ok...why 1996?
A: That's the year I proposed to the love of my life.

Q:Weren't you four?
A: Yes.

Q: Care to explain this one?
A: Her name was Emily I think. We went to pre-school together. I was madly in love. I think she felt the same way. I mean you don't just teeter totter with someone without being committed to that person!

Q: I suppose not. What happened with Emily?
A: I proposed to her behind the swingset.

Q: What was her answer?
A: I never did find out.

Q: Well why not?
A: She got nailed in the head by the swing before she could reply.

Q: My goodness! That's awful!
A: That was probably why we weren't allowed behind the swing set. Anyway, she didn't talk to me for a long time and I eventually dropped out so that was that.

Q:You dropped out of pre-school?
A: Yup.

Q: Care to explain that one?
A: I'd rather not to be honest. Got any other questions for me?

Q: What is your favorite color.
A: I'm colorblind you insensitive fool.

Q: It says here that your favorite food is ham? Why?
A: It tastes good.

Q: Yes. But why?
A: You are really bad at this.

Q: At what?
A: At interviewing. You ask questions that nobody cares about and that don't even make sense.

Q: Well forgive me for trying.
A: I do not accept your apology.

Q: I say! Your rudeness is only exceeded by your complete disregard for proper manners!
A: When did you become British? And rudeness and disregard for manners are the same thing pal.

Q: Get out of my face.
A: Look who's talking, you're the one who came in here and just started asking questions. Your mother is still a tramp by the way.

Q: You know what? I'm done, I am done with this, I don't have to sit here and listen to you insult me anymore.
A: Nobody asked you to be here in the first place. I was just trying to take a nap you son of a tramp.

Q: What makes you so bitter?
A: Annoying people. A.K.A. you.

Q: So you're saying that you hate yourself?
A: Well played, Self.