I have written an open letter to the Modern Language Association.
To Whom it May Concern, ie: the weiners at the MLA:
First of all, to anybody who wants to criticize my letter format or plans on making note of my spelling errors, you can just stop reading now. Your sassiness and snarky attitude are not welcome. I don't care that my heading is done wrong, or that i forgot to capitalize "I" just now, you are not better than me because you spell gooder. Bothers you doesn't it? Your dumb. Did you catch that one? I wrote your instead of you're. I don't understand it when people get bothered by other peoples grammar. (oops! forgot an apostrophe!) Im allowed to miss spel thigns if i want. The only people who have a right to get upset about grammatical and spelling errors are english teachers, and even then it is annoying because it seems like it's their job to be condescending weiners. Have you read some of the comments they write on essays? One time I got an essay back that said, "This part doesn't make sense...but nice try." and on another one, "This is what you came up with?"
I blame you MLA. You sit up there, their, they're,(circle the correct form of the word), on your high and mighty throne of grammatical correctyness. Who are you to say how I can and cannot write things? Who gave you the write to tell me how to format my papers and letters? Nobody. You weren't elected by me and therefore have no control over me.
Who are you to say that Me and Bill can't go to the park? Your poisonous propoganda (alliteration!) has infected people outside of school and affected the lives of fun loving children everywhere. I was sitting n McDonalds the other day when a kid came running up to his Dad with some exciting news, having just come from the play pen. Very excitedly the kid ran up to his dad and said "Hey Dad! Guess what! Me and Kevin got to the top of the jungle gym!" his dad looked up from his paper and instead of taking a vested interest in the kid's adventures, said, "Who?" The kid, thinking he wasn't loud enough repeated, "Me and Kevin" The Dad again said, "Who?". This happened two more times until the kid, his spirit broken and the light gone from his eyes, "corrected" himself and said, "Kevin and I." The dad didn't even care about his kid's story, he was too focused on the stupid corect way of listing two people. I can only assume he had been indoctrinated with you evil rhetoric. The blood of that boys innocence is on YOUR hands MLA.
I am writing to inform you and the world that the oppression stops now. I am officially announcing my campaign to win the Presidency of the MLA. Based on a platform of grammar reform and free ice cream for everyone, I plan on running for and winning the top seat in the Modern Language Association's heirarchy. Unless you immediately renounce your postion as the standard for modern english, I will be forced to continue in my mission to liberate the restricted pens of Men, Women, and Children everywhere. If this request is not met within the next ten days, prepare to have several thousand copies of the MLA Literature Handbook burned on your doorstep. The choice is yours, idiot faces, step down or be forced down. The line is drawn, the ink is drying, make you'RE choice.
Not Sincerely,
Jacob Walters esq.
27 May 2010
16 May 2010
Reindeer Games
I'd like to think that I have made some great decisions in my life. Like the decision to wear my grandpa sweater on the first day of seventh grade, or the decision to be born. That's right, I 'm taking credit for my birth.
But the best of all my decisions, and I say this with the heaviest sarcasm possible, came in the winter of my freshman year.
One of the best things about Christmas time is all the festive decorations holiday loving people put out on their lawns. There are all sorts of different decorations nowadays, you have your Santas and your candy canes. Some people go all out and have moving ferris wheels and actual trains snaking across the yard.
The one decoration that has come to live in infamy though, at least for 5 guys in La Canada, CA, is the lawn reindeer. You know what I'm talking about, the frames with christmas lights in the shape of reindeer just chillin and grazing on your lawn. Well anyway, i was at Michael's house and there were three other guys there, Jeff, Zando, and Matt. (I've left out the last names to protect the innocent. Except for Zando, his last name is Ward.) We were bored and it was only 9:30 so then I had a fantastic idea, which would also be my terrible decision.
There's is an activity among them miscreant youth that I had heard stories about and I thought it would be funny/cool to do. Excuse me for being crass, but it's called reindeer humping, and it is when you take the decorative reindeer and in peoples yards and put them in compromising positions with one another. Funny right? ya I thought so too.
When I suggested it, the idea was popular and to make a long story short we ended up doing it, or better yet, me ended up making the reindeer do it.
It must be noted however, that I did not participate in the mischeif. Ironic right? I was the one who suggested it and then I was the one who was too cowardly to even leave the car. Neverless the night progressed and several houses fell victim to the dastardly prank. The climax of the night came when we were on the way to my house to drop me off and "we" decided to get one more house on the way, less than three blocks from my home. It would have been fine if they hadn't seen us.
We got spooked and drove to the top of ocean view and camped out for five minutes in the street above mine until we felt it was safe and I walked home while they drove away. I went to bed that night with this ominous feeling that something terrible was going to happen but I didn't know what, so I just put it out of my mind and went to sleep.
The next day was a saturday so I took up my usual ritual of playing video games all day.
It was around 1 o'clock in the afternoon and I was sitting in the garage watching t.v. when my dad came in and said this.
"You're coming to the store with me."
This was odd. It was a command, not the usual question asking if I wanted to go with him.
"No thanks" I said.
"No, I would like you to come with me." He was very stern this time and he is usually never stern so I knew I better comply.
At this point I hadn't heard anything from my partners in crime the night before so I wasn't really sure what had happened.
So I go to the store with my dad, Floyd, and we are silent the entire way there. I stay in the car while he goes into the store and I sit there wondering what is going on. Obviously he wanted me to come because he wanted to tell me something, or he wouldn't have let me stay in the car, I just didn't know what it was. I was sort of worried that he knew about the night before but there was no way he could have found out what had happened. Or so I thought.
He got back in the car and as we were leaving the parking lot, he says all quiet like:
"Son, is there anything you'd like to tell me about last night?"
Uh-oh.
My heart started pounding and my face started sweating and I never have felt so scared since that moment. The smart thing to do would be to confess then and there what I had done, but when you're backed into a corner, you're less than likely to make rational desicions.
Me: "ummm, no."
Floyd: "What did you do last night?"
Me: "I don't know, we just...hung out."
Floyd:"Hmm, I see. Nothing involving reindeer?"
Again, the rational thing would have been to give up the act and admit guilt, but again, I don't make rational decisions in stressful situations.
Me: "Reindeer? What are you talking about?"
Floyd: "Matt's dad called me today and told me what you did last night. After they dropped you off they got stopped by the police, and they all got tickets."
Me: "uh-oh."
Floyd: "Yup. Uh-oh's right."
I got a pretty big lecture and I felt pretty terrible and Floyd was pretty dissapointed when I told him it had been my idea, but that I didn't participate, not sure if he believed it though. I may or may not have cried during this. I can't be sure. As part of our punishment we all had to go and apologize to the people who caught us and called the police. We gave them a poinsettia and basically said "Sorry for making you reindeer do innapropriate things." And we just stood there as the lady called us immature but appreciative of the apology. I was happy that I didn't get a ticket, and the only ones who had to pay theirs were Michael and Jeff, cause the Judge let Matt off and the court lost Zando's papers. Matt also lost his driving priveledges which meant I wasn't going anywhere for a while. All in all it was a learning experience in which I learned the following lessons:
1. Don't rearrange reindeer.
2. If Floyd makes you come to the store with him, you've done something terrible.
3. Never take Foothill Blvd as your escape route, becasue that's where the police will be.
There was a little vindication when my uncle came to visit and upon hearing the story, said to me, "You know what really cracks me up? When you get the reindeer that have the moving heads."
Awesome.
But the best of all my decisions, and I say this with the heaviest sarcasm possible, came in the winter of my freshman year.
One of the best things about Christmas time is all the festive decorations holiday loving people put out on their lawns. There are all sorts of different decorations nowadays, you have your Santas and your candy canes. Some people go all out and have moving ferris wheels and actual trains snaking across the yard.
The one decoration that has come to live in infamy though, at least for 5 guys in La Canada, CA, is the lawn reindeer. You know what I'm talking about, the frames with christmas lights in the shape of reindeer just chillin and grazing on your lawn. Well anyway, i was at Michael's house and there were three other guys there, Jeff, Zando, and Matt. (I've left out the last names to protect the innocent. Except for Zando, his last name is Ward.) We were bored and it was only 9:30 so then I had a fantastic idea, which would also be my terrible decision.
There's is an activity among them miscreant youth that I had heard stories about and I thought it would be funny/cool to do. Excuse me for being crass, but it's called reindeer humping, and it is when you take the decorative reindeer and in peoples yards and put them in compromising positions with one another. Funny right? ya I thought so too.
When I suggested it, the idea was popular and to make a long story short we ended up doing it, or better yet, me ended up making the reindeer do it.
It must be noted however, that I did not participate in the mischeif. Ironic right? I was the one who suggested it and then I was the one who was too cowardly to even leave the car. Neverless the night progressed and several houses fell victim to the dastardly prank. The climax of the night came when we were on the way to my house to drop me off and "we" decided to get one more house on the way, less than three blocks from my home. It would have been fine if they hadn't seen us.
We got spooked and drove to the top of ocean view and camped out for five minutes in the street above mine until we felt it was safe and I walked home while they drove away. I went to bed that night with this ominous feeling that something terrible was going to happen but I didn't know what, so I just put it out of my mind and went to sleep.
The next day was a saturday so I took up my usual ritual of playing video games all day.
It was around 1 o'clock in the afternoon and I was sitting in the garage watching t.v. when my dad came in and said this.
"You're coming to the store with me."
This was odd. It was a command, not the usual question asking if I wanted to go with him.
"No thanks" I said.
"No, I would like you to come with me." He was very stern this time and he is usually never stern so I knew I better comply.
At this point I hadn't heard anything from my partners in crime the night before so I wasn't really sure what had happened.
So I go to the store with my dad, Floyd, and we are silent the entire way there. I stay in the car while he goes into the store and I sit there wondering what is going on. Obviously he wanted me to come because he wanted to tell me something, or he wouldn't have let me stay in the car, I just didn't know what it was. I was sort of worried that he knew about the night before but there was no way he could have found out what had happened. Or so I thought.
He got back in the car and as we were leaving the parking lot, he says all quiet like:
"Son, is there anything you'd like to tell me about last night?"
Uh-oh.
My heart started pounding and my face started sweating and I never have felt so scared since that moment. The smart thing to do would be to confess then and there what I had done, but when you're backed into a corner, you're less than likely to make rational desicions.
Me: "ummm, no."
Floyd: "What did you do last night?"
Me: "I don't know, we just...hung out."
Floyd:"Hmm, I see. Nothing involving reindeer?"
Again, the rational thing would have been to give up the act and admit guilt, but again, I don't make rational decisions in stressful situations.
Me: "Reindeer? What are you talking about?"
Floyd: "Matt's dad called me today and told me what you did last night. After they dropped you off they got stopped by the police, and they all got tickets."
Me: "uh-oh."
Floyd: "Yup. Uh-oh's right."
I got a pretty big lecture and I felt pretty terrible and Floyd was pretty dissapointed when I told him it had been my idea, but that I didn't participate, not sure if he believed it though. I may or may not have cried during this. I can't be sure. As part of our punishment we all had to go and apologize to the people who caught us and called the police. We gave them a poinsettia and basically said "Sorry for making you reindeer do innapropriate things." And we just stood there as the lady called us immature but appreciative of the apology. I was happy that I didn't get a ticket, and the only ones who had to pay theirs were Michael and Jeff, cause the Judge let Matt off and the court lost Zando's papers. Matt also lost his driving priveledges which meant I wasn't going anywhere for a while. All in all it was a learning experience in which I learned the following lessons:
1. Don't rearrange reindeer.
2. If Floyd makes you come to the store with him, you've done something terrible.
3. Never take Foothill Blvd as your escape route, becasue that's where the police will be.
There was a little vindication when my uncle came to visit and upon hearing the story, said to me, "You know what really cracks me up? When you get the reindeer that have the moving heads."
Awesome.
10 May 2010
Bangin' on a Trashcan
Since I turned eight it has been my job to put the trashcans on the curb on trash day. I was extremely reluctant to take this job but in reality I didn't have any choice, because my parents said so. They tried to make it better by offering me one dollar every week that I did it which really isn't very much at all, but then again, it was a very easy job....or was it? I didn't have a problem with walking the cans to the curb, a very easy thing to do, my problems were with the on the job risks that I'm pretty sure were not factored into the salary I was offered. You may be wondering what risks could possibly be involved with moving plastic cans approximately 100 yards once a week.
All I have to say is: How dare you.
How dare you think that I didn't work hard and put my well-being on the line for that weekly dollar. I don't think you understand how many spiders decided to make their homes, tucked up under the handles of the cans, just waiting to crawl out onto my hand and do whatever spiders do once they make contact with human flesh. I wouldn't know, I've never let that happen.
The first time I found spiders on the infernal cans I taught them a painful lesson on housing choices in the form of a lot of WD-40 and a kithcen match. Unfortunately, there would be new spiders every week and it became an issue for me. My dad refused to listen to my continued pleas to release me from trashcan duty and as a result I suffered from a good three weeks of spider related dreams, making it impossible for me to go near those cans.
Ever since, I have had an unfixed fear of spiders. If a spider ever crosses my path I send it straight to hell, because there is no such thing as a spider going to heaven. They are inherently evil and forever will be, and unless a giant spider saves me from an oncoming train I will continue the arachnid genocide.(but even then I would still probably stab the giant spider in the heart.)
I still take the trashcans every week, except I don't get paid anymore, and they are in a location where spiders don't really thrive, but I will still refuse to touch a thrash can if there is even a shred of evidence of recent spider activity, or as I call it, a code 51(current or very recent presence of a spider larger than 1cm.)
Code 51's can be taken care of pretty easily though, with a shoe, or as I call it, a Spider Annihilator.
The Score:
Jacob:347
Spiders: 1*
*a very, very dark and terrible day.
All I have to say is: How dare you.
How dare you think that I didn't work hard and put my well-being on the line for that weekly dollar. I don't think you understand how many spiders decided to make their homes, tucked up under the handles of the cans, just waiting to crawl out onto my hand and do whatever spiders do once they make contact with human flesh. I wouldn't know, I've never let that happen.
The first time I found spiders on the infernal cans I taught them a painful lesson on housing choices in the form of a lot of WD-40 and a kithcen match. Unfortunately, there would be new spiders every week and it became an issue for me. My dad refused to listen to my continued pleas to release me from trashcan duty and as a result I suffered from a good three weeks of spider related dreams, making it impossible for me to go near those cans.
Ever since, I have had an unfixed fear of spiders. If a spider ever crosses my path I send it straight to hell, because there is no such thing as a spider going to heaven. They are inherently evil and forever will be, and unless a giant spider saves me from an oncoming train I will continue the arachnid genocide.(but even then I would still probably stab the giant spider in the heart.)
I still take the trashcans every week, except I don't get paid anymore, and they are in a location where spiders don't really thrive, but I will still refuse to touch a thrash can if there is even a shred of evidence of recent spider activity, or as I call it, a code 51(current or very recent presence of a spider larger than 1cm.)
Code 51's can be taken care of pretty easily though, with a shoe, or as I call it, a Spider Annihilator.
The Score:
Jacob:347
Spiders: 1*
*a very, very dark and terrible day.
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