Concerning Recorders

The instrument known as the recorder is legitimately impossible to play.

Sort of.

I say that because I once witnessed no less than 40 third-graders play "You're a Grand Old Flag" in perfect unison. It was breathtaking.

So when I recently purchased a recorder I figured it would be no sweat. If a bunch of 8 year olds could master some simple patriotic tunes in a matter of a couple days it would take me no time to go from musical novice to woodwind prodigy.

I was wrong.

I brought the recorder home and was immediately met with the challenge of trying to produce a pleasant sounding note from what is probably the worst sounding instrument ever constructed. I failed to recall that even though those third-graders played in unison it sounded pretty horrible and the breathtaking part was because I was eating a fairly large sandwich and I used to get pretty winded while eating.

Anyway.

I spent twenty dollars on an instrument that I lost interest in fifteen minutes later. It's been sitting in my closet for the past four months, mocking me.

All I wanted was to be able to play Concerning Hobbits to impress a girl.

Side Note: Only now as I write out that sentence do I realize the contradictory nature of such a plan.

Regardless, it was a goal that I have only since been able to place in the failure column of my goals chart. It sits there forlornly along with "exercise once a week" and "stop saying mean things to girls, even if they are stuck up hags".

I retain possession of the devil flute merely as a reminder that some things in life cannot be accomplished and also as a means of interrupting my roommates sleep schedule.

I dare anyone else to eat the cookies I am saving for myself as a reward for doing all of my homework. I guarantee you will regret it when I play the one song I was able to compose, "The Call of the Dying Sparrow", right in your sleeping ear.

Another side note: It turns out that there is no place for Recorder players in BYU's school of music.

Third side note: High School was seriously nothing like the hit TV show "Saved by the Bell" made me think it was going to be.

FDR Was a Total Dweeb

The most effective way to win an argument is to go "LALALALALALALA" whenever the other person tries to speak.

I can boast that I have never lost an argument due to this simple tactic. If your opponent can't get a word in edge wise then they can't prove you wrong and if they can't prove you wrong then you can't lose the argument.

For example:

Friend: "I think stealing things is bad."
Me: "No it's not it's good."
Friend: "Are you serious? Stealing is morally..."
Me: "LALALALALALALALA"
Friend: "Quit it, Stealing is just downright..."
Me: "LAAAAAAALALALLALALALLALALA"
Friend: "Stop being a child, you're just...
Me: "LEEDLELEEDLELEEDLELEE"
Friend: "Really?"
Me: "I win. I'm right."
Friend: "No you..."
Me: "RAHRAHRAHRAHRAHRAHRAH"

It frustrates your opponent to the point where he or she will decline to continue the discussion out of some sort of prideful responsibility. Usually they will mutter something like "I'm not even going to waste my time." to which it is acceptable to reply with: "FDR was the worst President ever." And that will usually get them going again because for some reason the type of people who get into debates with their friends in the first place, have weirdly strong opinions about FDR's presidency.

I mostly just like getting a rise out of people when it comes to talking politics. I can tell who I don't want to be friends with by saying something absurd like "Poor people choose to be poor because they like the attention"and seeing how they react.

Here is a list of reactions I might get and their friendship status:

"Are you serious?" -Skeptical, knows I might be joking: Friend

"Right on."-either knows I'm joking or thinks I'm serious, either way doesn't make a big deal: Friend (for now)

"I don't care." -Friend

"Blah blah blah"- this is what I hear but what they are trying to do is have an actually serious discussion about why I think that and how destructive and anti-progressive I am by saying something like that even if I am kidding. : NOT FRIEND. and in some cases : SWORN ENEMY

"Who do you think you are?"-Gets actually offended and doesn't talk to you for two weeks cause she thinks you are racist and even though you tell her you are joking and that you really aren't that racist and that my statement didn't have to do with race in the first place she still doesn't forgive you until you send her a Facebook message saying "I am sorry for being racist" at which point she grudgingly forgives you by replying "you're not. but it's chill": Somehow Friends. (true story)

Basically the whole point of this is that I don't like getting into serious political debates with people. Especially my friends. It never ends on a happy note.

I just enjoy playing devil's advocate.

But in all seriousness, the New Deal was one of the worst sets of economic and social reforms that this country has seen and it ruined America. ALSO FDR MARRIED HIS COUSIN. How gross is that? Seriously though, how have we come to accept that as a society? I think we should take away his Memorial in DC just for that. and the fact that he was in a wheel chair.

KIDDING. GEEZE.