The End

Alas I have come to a decision that is very difficult. This will be my last post on The Sneaky Narwhal. I have decided to put all of my time wasting efforts into a different, but yet slightly similar project that I hope will be instrumental in getting my name as a writer out there. To my faithful readers, I thank you heartily and I hope you will be there when I finish my next project because somebody is going to have to read it.

I will probably post something on here from time to time, but not as often as usual, so just check in every once in a while.

It's ok to cry while reading this, I know I am. The Narwhal will forever be in my heart...right next to Saige Miley and honey baked ham.

<3

How God Punished Me

Allow me to introduce you to Cream Puff:

She is a dog. A Pomeranian to be exact.

You may be thinking, "She is cute." or "What an adorable dog!" or if you're Asian, "Looks good!"
But all of these thoughts are incorrect. (except maybe the last one) . Don't be fooled by her seemingly adorable appearance. Beneath that soft and cuddly fur is the most retarded animal ever to walk this earth. I hate her with the white hot intensity of a thousand suns. I mean, as much as I loved getting licked in the face while taking a nap on the couch by a dog whose favorite activities include licking itself and eating poop, there's just something about her that makes me want to kick her through the glass door.

Maybe it's the incessant barking, or the constant whining, or the fact that her breath smells like something off the bottom of an elephant's foot but nothing would make me happier if she would just stop living soon. I saw her get kicked in the face by a deer one time and she rolled down the hill, yelping all the way, and it was the funniest thing I have ever seen. Somehow she wound up uninjured, which was disappointing.

She is my sister's dog. She got her for Christmas a few years back and promptly named her Cream Puff.(don't get me started.) We celebrated Christmas in Utah that year, so we had to make the 10 hour drive home with the puppy version of Cream Puff in the car. At first i was receptive of the dog, because it was a puppy and was cute, but then on the ride home she peed on me, thereby establishing the basis of our relationship for the next couple of years.

She has the habit of barking very loudly whenever I walk by my sister's room. I have the habit of kicking her whenever I walk by my sister's room.

It's not a love/hate relationship, it's a "I'm a retarded dog/"I hate this dog" relationship. I keep hoping that a pine cone will fall on her head and kill her or that she will run away. She is right behind me at this very moment, chasing her tail and growling. So dumb.

Korean BBQ for dinner tonight I guess.

UPDATE: The dog is now in heat. Oh the joy.

The Root of All Evil

Whoever in their right mind decided to give Nicolas Cage his first acting job should be hung in the courtyard. If there is one thing that I have unabated hate for in this world, it is Nicolas Cage. He has ruined so many good things in my life. Like National Treasure, which would have been cool had his crappy, annoying, terribly unique, acting not gotten in the way. I can't even describe why I hate him so much, it's inexplicable. There's just something with the way he talks and the way he looks that makes me want to yell at the movie screen. He looks way too unique to play different roles, especially lead roles. I saw the previews for that "Sorcerer's Apprentice" movie that he is in and I want to personally water-board the person whose idea that movie was and ask them why they thought it would be ok to have Nicolas Cage star in it.

This is probably my shortest post ever, but I just really hate Nicolas Cage.

The day he wins an Oscar for best actor is the day the world officially sucks.

Oh wait, that already happened in 1995. Kill me.

One Year Older Means One Year Closer to Dying

I'd be very happy to have the opportunity to slay a bear. Preferably it would be with my bare hands, but I'd be happy enough to do it with an awesome knife. Even better would be to kill the bear in order to protect a defenseless baby. That is something that will make your life complete right there. The only downside would be all the publicity you would get for defending a baby from a raging grizzly. I'd have paparazzi following me everywhere, asking me questions like, "Why'd you save the baby? Is it yours?" and "What about the Bear's family? You killed some baby Bear's father! How does it feel to be a daddy killer?" They wouldn't get too close though because they would know what I am capable of.

The fact that I'm going through scenarios like this in my mind makes me believe that I am currently going through a mid-life crisis, which isn't good because that means I'm only going to live to about 36. If I had the money I'd probably be getting hair implants and buying expensive cars right now, but instead I'm taking a lot of naps and making up bear killing fantasies. I'm also playing a lot of Xbox.(my gamertag is Stenkyjenky, add me.)

I think that it's a good thing that I'm going through my mid-life crisis now, because by the time I reach my actual mid-life, which is hopefully somewhere around 45, I don't think killing a bear will be quite as possible.

Other things on my Mid-life crisis to-do list:

1.Go to the North Pole
2.Be an astronaut
3.Fight the Spider King.
4. Marry Zoey Deschanel
5. Win a carnival game
6. invent a breakfast cereal
7. Avenge Jeff Facer's stingray sting.
8. Barbecue a delicious steak
9. Get a compliment from a judgemental person
10.Find a leprechaun.

Maybe if I'm lucky enough, I'll get all this done by tomorrow...unless I fall asleep first.