Old People Dig Email

I think chain letters are stupid and I think it is even more stupid when people re-post them on their Facebook. Why does it always seem like they are always written by either a 56 year old Christian intent on spreading the word of God through superstitious threats of random beheadings at 2:56 AM or a 56 year old housewife who "heard about this in line at the supermarket."?

I should probably be thankful for them seeing as they successfully occupy the older generation and keeps them from complaining about me not calling or visiting them. As long as I reply with an "OMG that is amazing Dolores!"  to their email about the little boy who saw a million angels and then ate a snake, it counts towards community service hours spent at the nursing home without ever having to set foot in one. Which is just as well because you can always just feel death just lurking around, hanging out by the bingo station.

"BingOHHHHHHH nooo my heart is failing..."

I JEST. I actually love old people and I dig the retirement home.
I went to one the other day and they actually were playing bingo. That killed me. I can't wait until my existence consists of playing bingo and complaining about the lack of quality television these days.

I figure I will forward chain emails just to upset my posterity and spite them for putting me in a retirement home. My will is going to read as follows:

"Everything was to be divided evenly among my children but since they put me in a retirement home, everything goes to the guy who shows up here on Tuesdays with the free day old donuts. That guy is awesome. I think his name is Terry."

Yes indeed, there is certainly an air of foreboding that constantly surrounds Utah County Rest Home and Glue Factory.

We should be jealous of the old people because they've already accomplished what we're all working towards. Not dying. People complain about getting old, but isn't that sort of what we want?

I hate it when people patronize old people. Like when we went to go hand out cookies at the rest home people would go up to the occupants and talk to them as if they were 5 years old, "Would you like a cooookkkieee? It has blue frosting! Doesn't that sound good? yummm!!"

Seriously? This guy has probably fought in like 3 wars, killed 30 men, survived "the harshest winter you've ever seen sonny" and peed off the top of Mount Everest and you're asking him if he likes blue frosting like you would a severely handicapped dog? It's disrespectful if you ask me, these people aren't stupid, they're just old. and maybe a little bit senile but that is besides the point.

So if you're looking to get into the true spirit of Christmas, go visit some old people. They'll dig it, and so will you but just don't be lame about it. Don't go in there all smiley and like jokey, they hate that. I think, I don't actually know. This is pure speculation. I'm just basing this off of a video called Mr. Kreugers Christmas, which is about an old guy who's alone on Christmas but gets invited to go caroling with some people. It's horribly depressing but kind of touching in a way. It stars Jimmy Stewart in what I think was his last role. You can probably find it on YouTube but be prepared to fear being old and alone for the rest of your life if you watch it.

That's all I gotta say about that. But here is a warning:

If you don't forward this blog to 10 people after reading it I will personally break into your house and poop in your ice machine at midnight. If you don't have an ice machine, rest assured that you will need a new couch. Either way you lose, so just repost this.

Happy Hanukah Chanukah Jewish People!
Merry Christmas Everyone else!
Kwanzaa is not real.