Jerkface Magee

I would like to meet the jerk that decided middle school was a good idea. No such person probably exists because Junior High is sort of necessary in order to bridge the gap between the innocence of elementary school and the cesspool that is High school. I remember the first day of 7th grade at Rosemont middle school and it’s not a happy memory. I don’t know why, but I thought it would be a good idea to wear on of my Dad’s old/huge sweaters. I looked completely ridiculous and I didn’t realize it at the time but I think I liked wearing my Dad’s old sweaters because they hid my fat boy breasts that I denied existed. I remember lying in bed the night before the first day of school and coming up with this awesome one liner that I was going to zing at my Father as I got out of the car in the morning. As he dropped me off I said “You may want to call the local morgues and compare prices.” I said it all somber and dead-pan and I thought it was hilarious. Let’s just say that that moment was the high-point of the next to years. The whole sweater wearing thing was just the first of many mistakes that I made in my middle school career. Another was overanalyzing every single interaction I had with females. I was a mess. Anytime a girl spoke to me or acknowledge me I would pick the moment apart and leave nothing to speculation. I remember one time, this one girl waved to me during passing period and it opened up a whole floodgate of confusion. “Why did she wave to me? Does she like me? Why would she wave to me if she doesn’t like me? Was she just being friendly? Did I eat that donut I put in my backpack? Should I take this relationship to the next level?” These were the sort of thoughts I preoccupied myself with on a daily basis. They never amounted to anything, surprisingly.

I was very impressionable at that age I think and very meek when it came to my relationships with my teachers. I think what made middle school the worst was the mean teachers. I had one experience in 8th grade that gets me upset just thinking about it. It was in English class and as a group of three or four students our teacher was having us prepare a debate on abortion. Why the deuce she was having us debate abortion, I have no idea, but then again, she was related Satan. Anyway, as members of a group we each had a job to due, something we were in charge of. Me and this guy, Eric were on the pro-life side of the argument and this chick, Leanne was on the pro-choice side. Leanne is sort of the co-antagonist of this story and to understand it, you have to realize that Leanne was the kind of kid who would carry the lunch monitors clipboard and rat you out for anything. She was a real pill, believe me. Anyway, the day of our presentation came and the day before, Leanne had taken our entire notes home because she said she didn’t trust us to not lose them. I didn’t object because I figured that she was probably right. But lo and behold our time came to present and the notes were nowhere to be found.
“Oh my gosh! I lost them!” squealed Leanne.
Fantastic. The show had to go on and interestingly enough, Leanne had no trouble in firing off her arguments while Eric and I just stood there sounding like fools. I was pretty upset at Leanne for forgetting the notes, which I’m pretty sure she did on purpose, and as we were leaving the class I said to Eric,
“You know, if we fail, its Leanne’s fault.” I said this because it was true.
Eric nodded in agreement and we left the class.
Fast forward 24 hours to the next English class. We had just finished an excellent lesson on why we should worship the devil and were getting ready to leave when the teach, we’ll call he Jerkface, called Eric and I to the front of the room and asked us to stay after class. “Oh no” I thought, “We are screwed.”
I wasn’t even sure what for though; I had done nothing that I could think of to warrant an after class meeting with Jerkface. Everybody else filed out of the class so the only people left in the room were Me, Eric, Jerfkface, and Leanne. Jerkface started off like this:
“Yesterday I heard something that I could not believe I heard.(I nodded my head) And it came from your mouth (she pointed at me). Do you mind repeating what you said?”
I had no idea what she was talking about so I just shrugged my shoulders. Just as you never run from a mountain lion, you never shrug your shoulders at a teacher who is yelling at you. She continued fiercely:
“You said that if you failed it was Leannes fault, is that correct? (nod) You made me sick to my stomach and I couldn’t even sleep last night because of the hateful words I heard you say.”
She went on and on yelling very angrily at me mostly and went on to say “shame on you” several dozen times. She made me apologize to Leanne who just stood there with a smug look on her face and she also made me verbally say that if we failed that it was my fault. I would like to take the time now to officially redact my apology. I am not sorry at all. I still stand by my original statement. To hear Jerkface going off at me you’d think I had openly blamed black people and Jews for our terrible presentation. The fact that she got so angry over an offhand comment that only a retarded person would take offense at is what makes me most upset.
This was not the first or last time I would be yelled at in middle school for absolutely nothing but those are different stories for different times. I have a lot more stories from middle school, it was a very volatile time in my life, and I am a very bitter person sometimes, so you can count on reading them in the near future.

I should probably let experiences like this one go…but that’s no fun now, is it?