Nine to Five

The prospect of having to enter the professional world at some point in the near future doesn't scare me, it just really bums me out. I work for my Dad, Floyd, at his office. He's a mortgage broker and has been running his business since the late eighties. I work there now cause I really feel incapable of finding an actual job somewhere else. I always fill out applications but then when I try and follow up on them I get really nervous/awkward and never do.

I'm very open with Floyd and I often tell him that I hate my job. It's fine with him because he knows I'm too lazy to get a different one. I don't have an official job title so I labeled myself as the Office Administrator/Entertainer. My main job is to scan the old loan files into the computer and then burn them onto password encrypted Cd's. It's such a boring job that I got bored just typing that description. The scanner literally jams itself every 2 seconds, frustrating me to no end. I have elaborate daydreams of taking a sledgehammer to the stupid thing. (your probably thinking, 'How elaborate can those daydreams be?' but trust me, they get intense, including sometimes when I imagine several lines of dialogue between myself and the copier, whose voice is Alec Baldwin's)

At one point I got a hold of a label maker cause I was charged with Labeling something, I don't even know what, but after I finished that I made a label that said "Nothing of Consequence" and put it on the fire-proof filing cabinet that contains very very important stuff. I thought it was funny, Floyd did not. It's still there though and is a hopeful reminder that I might one day rise above corporate bullying and do absolutely nothing for a living.

The Boss very recently hired someone new. She sits at the desk closest to mine and she is very nice but a combination of my awkwardness and desire to not talk to anybody creates very stunted and sometimes less than friendly conversations. For instance the other day I was listening to my iPod:

Her: "What are you listening to?"
Me: "The Shins"
Her: "Oh I thought it was something else"
Me: "Yup"

Who knows though, we might become the best of friends eventually and whenever the boss leaves the office giggle and gossip about him. To reach this level of friendship is on my list of workplace goals, along with finding out where the thermostat controls are and eating an entire sleeve of thin mints in one shift. My previous goal of making the water cooler the cool place to hang out during breaks didn't work, it ended up just being me thinking up mean rumors that I could spread about fictional co-workers.

My favorite is when I get to run errands. Usually it's just to wash Floyd's car, which is awesome because then I get to play the Arcade games at the car wash. The other day I was charged with buying a new vacuum cleaner for the office because the other one had literally been in use since 1992. Floyd finally caved and bought a new one when the old one ceased existing in one piece, and even in that state I had to use it for a few months.

This post makes me look like a terrible employee and I'm not really going to deny that it does. But if there are any potential employers reading this, don't believe a single word you've just read. It is all a lie.

Hire me.

Please.