Whoever in their right mind decided to give Nicolas Cage his first acting job should be hung in the courtyard. If there is one thing that I have unabated hate for in this world, it is Nicolas Cage. He has ruined so many good things in my life. Like National Treasure, which would have been cool had his crappy, annoying, terribly unique, acting not gotten in the way. I can't even describe why I hate him so much, it's inexplicable. There's just something with the way he talks and the way he looks that makes me want to yell at the movie screen. He looks way too unique to play different roles, especially lead roles. I saw the previews for that "Sorcerer's Apprentice" movie that he is in and I want to personally water-board the person whose idea that movie was and ask them why they thought it would be ok to have Nicolas Cage star in it.
This is probably my shortest post ever, but I just really hate Nicolas Cage.
The day he wins an Oscar for best actor is the day the world officially sucks.
Oh wait, that already happened in 1995. Kill me.
09 August 2010
02 August 2010
One Year Older Means One Year Closer to Dying
I'd be very happy to have the opportunity to slay a bear. Preferably it would be with my bare hands, but I'd be happy enough to do it with an awesome knife. Even better would be to kill the bear in order to protect a defenseless baby. That is something that will make your life complete right there. The only downside would be all the publicity you would get for defending a baby from a raging grizzly. I'd have paparazzi following me everywhere, asking me questions like, "Why'd you save the baby? Is it yours?" and "What about the Bear's family? You killed some baby Bear's father! How does it feel to be a daddy killer?" They wouldn't get too close though because they would know what I am capable of.
The fact that I'm going through scenarios like this in my mind makes me believe that I am currently going through a mid-life crisis, which isn't good because that means I'm only going to live to about 36. If I had the money I'd probably be getting hair implants and buying expensive cars right now, but instead I'm taking a lot of naps and making up bear killing fantasies. I'm also playing a lot of Xbox.(my gamertag is Stenkyjenky, add me.)
I think that it's a good thing that I'm going through my mid-life crisis now, because by the time I reach my actual mid-life, which is hopefully somewhere around 45, I don't think killing a bear will be quite as possible.
Other things on my Mid-life crisis to-do list:
1.Go to the North Pole
2.Be an astronaut
3.Fight the Spider King.
4. Marry Zoey Deschanel
5. Win a carnival game
6. invent a breakfast cereal
7. Avenge Jeff Facer's stingray sting.
8. Barbecue a delicious steak
9. Get a compliment from a judgemental person
10.Find a leprechaun.
Maybe if I'm lucky enough, I'll get all this done by tomorrow...unless I fall asleep first.
The fact that I'm going through scenarios like this in my mind makes me believe that I am currently going through a mid-life crisis, which isn't good because that means I'm only going to live to about 36. If I had the money I'd probably be getting hair implants and buying expensive cars right now, but instead I'm taking a lot of naps and making up bear killing fantasies. I'm also playing a lot of Xbox.(my gamertag is Stenkyjenky, add me.)
I think that it's a good thing that I'm going through my mid-life crisis now, because by the time I reach my actual mid-life, which is hopefully somewhere around 45, I don't think killing a bear will be quite as possible.
Other things on my Mid-life crisis to-do list:
1.Go to the North Pole
2.Be an astronaut
3.Fight the Spider King.
4. Marry Zoey Deschanel
5. Win a carnival game
6. invent a breakfast cereal
7. Avenge Jeff Facer's stingray sting.
8. Barbecue a delicious steak
9. Get a compliment from a judgemental person
10.Find a leprechaun.
Maybe if I'm lucky enough, I'll get all this done by tomorrow...unless I fall asleep first.
23 July 2010
What a Load of Cacophony
Everybody has their distractions for when they're sad. For me it's writing stuff. It's weird because I'll come out of a situation feeling bad for myself and being like, "well that was gay" and then I'll instantly feel better when I tell myself that I'm going to go write something. Like this one time I didn't achieve a goal I had set and was feeling pretty down about it and then I told myslef that I was going to go write a story and get it published and do a book tour and become famous and I instantly felt better. I never wrote that story, but it doesn't even matter because at the moment I made myself feel happier. It's like I tricked myself.
This one time when I was pretty young, I had crafted a giraffe out of clay and toothpicks and for some reason was convinced that the Zoo would pay big money in order to put it on display. When I proposed this to my mother, she wasn't as entusiastic about the idea as I was, and I felt a little disheartened, but being 5 years old, I forgot about it 2 minutes later. Point is, that when I was younger, it was much easier to overcome dissapointment than it is now. What used to be a matter of a lack of attention is now a weird cocophony of mixed emotions and tears of sadness.
Life is just full of crappy moments that you can't control. Like this other time when I was probably 6 years old and I woke up in the middle of the night. Something seemed wrong but I couldn't see in the dark so I started feeling around my bed with my hands and came across a bunch of slimey things that felt like sliced up bannana and I was like, "wtf, why did someone slice bannanas in my bed?" So I called out for my Dad and he came in the room but before he could turn on the light he stepped in something and said ,"arghhh what the....?" then he turned on the light and realized that he was standing in about 7 gallons of my freshly puked up fruit salad from dinner that night. I had thrown up in my sleep. I was lucky I didn't choke and die, but I didn't realize it at the time. I was more upset at the fact that I had thrown up on my buzz light year action figure than anything else. It was just one of those things that I couldn't control. Like the weather. You just have to deal with it.
Anyway, it's late. I have nothing more to say other than I am basically the one who started the blogging trend at La Canada High School. I'd share my other favorite blogs with you but I have a rule against putting links to other blogs on mine mostly because I don't know how, but also because my grandather once told me to "never do anything for free." It's some pretty wise council.
Here's to you gramps.
This one time when I was pretty young, I had crafted a giraffe out of clay and toothpicks and for some reason was convinced that the Zoo would pay big money in order to put it on display. When I proposed this to my mother, she wasn't as entusiastic about the idea as I was, and I felt a little disheartened, but being 5 years old, I forgot about it 2 minutes later. Point is, that when I was younger, it was much easier to overcome dissapointment than it is now. What used to be a matter of a lack of attention is now a weird cocophony of mixed emotions and tears of sadness.
Life is just full of crappy moments that you can't control. Like this other time when I was probably 6 years old and I woke up in the middle of the night. Something seemed wrong but I couldn't see in the dark so I started feeling around my bed with my hands and came across a bunch of slimey things that felt like sliced up bannana and I was like, "wtf, why did someone slice bannanas in my bed?" So I called out for my Dad and he came in the room but before he could turn on the light he stepped in something and said ,"arghhh what the....?" then he turned on the light and realized that he was standing in about 7 gallons of my freshly puked up fruit salad from dinner that night. I had thrown up in my sleep. I was lucky I didn't choke and die, but I didn't realize it at the time. I was more upset at the fact that I had thrown up on my buzz light year action figure than anything else. It was just one of those things that I couldn't control. Like the weather. You just have to deal with it.
Anyway, it's late. I have nothing more to say other than I am basically the one who started the blogging trend at La Canada High School. I'd share my other favorite blogs with you but I have a rule against putting links to other blogs on mine mostly because I don't know how, but also because my grandather once told me to "never do anything for free." It's some pretty wise council.
Here's to you gramps.
07 July 2010
But Mom...He's Weird
I was the undisputed hula hoop champion in first grade hands down. Then again I think that I was the only one using the hoola hoops. I was also the only one that would sit at the same lunch table everyday, third from the end, no matter who else sat there. Often times a girl named Annie and her friends sat at that table and in order to discourage this behavior I invented the "Annoy Annie Show". A daily show in which I invented new ways to annoy Annie so that she would leave. (It was then that I knew I was meant for the stage.) I was the only walk the perimeter of the playground, alone, during recess. Looking back and thinking about first grade I get very sentimental, and also very intrigued, because it wasn't until now that I realized that all the other kids who I thought were weird,(which was everyone), weren't weird at all. I was the weird kid. I had all the symptoms. I kept to myself, I played with the hula hoops, I ate alone, I complimented the Playground Monitor because I was afraid of her, and I enjoyed quiet environments. Some might call this gay, but it's not. I was just reserved and enjoyed keeping to myself. I think the most telling evidence that I was the weird kid was the fact that my teacher called me in at recess so that I could feed the class turtle. Only the weird kids that you are afraid will become serial killers are asked to feed the class turtle at recess. I know that I was the hula hoop champion because my teacher said so. She came and timed me one time and declared me the record holder. I think I got this attention from my teacher because she felt bad for a couple of incidents.
The first was when one day I had just arrived at school and I was walking up the ramp that led to the classrooms and I found myself walking next to two fourth graders. One of them, the one with spiked hair, we'll call him Queerius, noticed me and commenced to comment on my stature.
"Look at the little first grader and look at his baseball backpack, awww so cute, not! hahahaha, puny little first grader!"
I don't know what it was about the situation but I all of a sudden got really, really scared and wanted desperately to get into my room. I was so distraught by what happened that when I got into class I went up to my teacher and told her about it and in the middle of relaying the story I started crying. My teacher told that the next time I saw the kid that I should tell her and she would deal with it. And the very next day as we were walking as a class to recess I say Queerius but I didn't tell my teacher because I was too afraid of the repercussions I might suffer as a result.
The second incident that made my teacher feel bad for me was when one day in the computer lab I had to go to the bathroom really, really bad. The rules was that you weren't allowed to leave your seat unless you raised your hand and got permission from the teacher. Knowing this rule, and being the obedient child that I was, I raised my hand so that I could go to the bathroom. But the teacher wasn't in the room. As a 6 year old I had the bladder capacity of about a teaspoon and I had drunken at least a half-cup of water that day So I was bursting at the seams. I wriggled and danced in my raised computer seat but there is only so much movement one can do to stem the undeniable flow of nature. With no teacher in the room and no other options the following thought came to my head I kid you not, word for word, "Let it go, just let it go, it'll be ok just let it go."
And let it go I did.
Instant relief. Instant warmth. Instant waterfall down the front of the raised chair directly onto the 12 reams of computer paper stored under my desk. Even while I was urinating over everything I didn't really think about the aftermath and how awkward it would be. I soon came to realize that I was sitting in pee and so did my teacher who just reentered the room. To make a long story short, my mom came and brought me new clothes and when I walked in the classroom thinking no one would notice anything, the very first thing that happened was a kid named Peter called out, "Hey, Jacob, why are you wearing different pants?" Great.
Needless to say I think my teacher, Ms. Silvestro, took pity on me and decided to keep a close eye on me from then on. Who knows, maybe she is the reason I am not a serial killer. But I am a cereal killer, from the way I dominate box after box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch.
I swear they sprinkle crack on that stuff.
The first was when one day I had just arrived at school and I was walking up the ramp that led to the classrooms and I found myself walking next to two fourth graders. One of them, the one with spiked hair, we'll call him Queerius, noticed me and commenced to comment on my stature.
"Look at the little first grader and look at his baseball backpack, awww so cute, not! hahahaha, puny little first grader!"
I don't know what it was about the situation but I all of a sudden got really, really scared and wanted desperately to get into my room. I was so distraught by what happened that when I got into class I went up to my teacher and told her about it and in the middle of relaying the story I started crying. My teacher told that the next time I saw the kid that I should tell her and she would deal with it. And the very next day as we were walking as a class to recess I say Queerius but I didn't tell my teacher because I was too afraid of the repercussions I might suffer as a result.
The second incident that made my teacher feel bad for me was when one day in the computer lab I had to go to the bathroom really, really bad. The rules was that you weren't allowed to leave your seat unless you raised your hand and got permission from the teacher. Knowing this rule, and being the obedient child that I was, I raised my hand so that I could go to the bathroom. But the teacher wasn't in the room. As a 6 year old I had the bladder capacity of about a teaspoon and I had drunken at least a half-cup of water that day So I was bursting at the seams. I wriggled and danced in my raised computer seat but there is only so much movement one can do to stem the undeniable flow of nature. With no teacher in the room and no other options the following thought came to my head I kid you not, word for word, "Let it go, just let it go, it'll be ok just let it go."
And let it go I did.
Instant relief. Instant warmth. Instant waterfall down the front of the raised chair directly onto the 12 reams of computer paper stored under my desk. Even while I was urinating over everything I didn't really think about the aftermath and how awkward it would be. I soon came to realize that I was sitting in pee and so did my teacher who just reentered the room. To make a long story short, my mom came and brought me new clothes and when I walked in the classroom thinking no one would notice anything, the very first thing that happened was a kid named Peter called out, "Hey, Jacob, why are you wearing different pants?" Great.
Needless to say I think my teacher, Ms. Silvestro, took pity on me and decided to keep a close eye on me from then on. Who knows, maybe she is the reason I am not a serial killer. But I am a cereal killer, from the way I dominate box after box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch.
I swear they sprinkle crack on that stuff.
23 June 2010
This one's for posterity
An embarrassing thing happened to me one time when I was hanging out with some of my friends(real ones), and we were on youtube. We were doing that thing where everybody shows their favorite/funny videos and what not, and I showed one that the last time I had watched it, it was hilarious, but when I showed my friends, it wasn't funny at all and they got mad at me for making them watch it. This was puzzling, becasue the first time I had watched it I almost pee'd my pants I thought it was so funny, but this time I didn't even laugh.
Then I realized that the first time I had watched it, it was 2 o'clock in the morning. I hadn't slept in like 20 hours and I was so loopy that the stupidest things were funny to me.
Kind of like now.
It is 2 o'clock in the morning and I guarentee that the video I just watched isn't going to be funny tomorrow. I'm on what I like to call a "sleep deprivation high". I'm in an extremely pleasant mood even though I haven't slept in a long time and I feel whimsical, light hearted, and good natured. If you were trying to get me to donate to your charity, now would be a good time to call, I'd probably give you all I had...not really, I'd pretend to give you all I had, and in reality, give you monopoly money. tehe!
Earlier today I went to the hardware store and I was standing in line at the checkout and as she was ringing him up, the cashier asked the old guy in front of me if he wanted any Ant Bait, and the guy all serious faced says, "No, thanks, I'm trying to quit the stuff." I thought it was the funniest comeback ever and I lol'ed, but the cashier didn't even react, she just kept on scanning items. Art is lost on the youth these days. I wanted to shake the man's hand and ask him to be my father but he got away before I could reach him.
The real reason I'm not asleep is because I was trying to take a nap earlier when I saw a spider run across my comforter. Before I could kill it, it got away and I have no idea where the blasted thing went, so I won't be sleeping in my bed for a couple days. Oh well.
Bands and writers always have their music or books that they wrote while they were on drugs, and I guess this post is the closest I'll come to doing something like that. If I actually were on drugs I'd probably write something like this:
poop ha ha hahahahahahahahahaha poop.
Then I realized that the first time I had watched it, it was 2 o'clock in the morning. I hadn't slept in like 20 hours and I was so loopy that the stupidest things were funny to me.
Kind of like now.
It is 2 o'clock in the morning and I guarentee that the video I just watched isn't going to be funny tomorrow. I'm on what I like to call a "sleep deprivation high". I'm in an extremely pleasant mood even though I haven't slept in a long time and I feel whimsical, light hearted, and good natured. If you were trying to get me to donate to your charity, now would be a good time to call, I'd probably give you all I had...not really, I'd pretend to give you all I had, and in reality, give you monopoly money. tehe!
Earlier today I went to the hardware store and I was standing in line at the checkout and as she was ringing him up, the cashier asked the old guy in front of me if he wanted any Ant Bait, and the guy all serious faced says, "No, thanks, I'm trying to quit the stuff." I thought it was the funniest comeback ever and I lol'ed, but the cashier didn't even react, she just kept on scanning items. Art is lost on the youth these days. I wanted to shake the man's hand and ask him to be my father but he got away before I could reach him.
The real reason I'm not asleep is because I was trying to take a nap earlier when I saw a spider run across my comforter. Before I could kill it, it got away and I have no idea where the blasted thing went, so I won't be sleeping in my bed for a couple days. Oh well.
Bands and writers always have their music or books that they wrote while they were on drugs, and I guess this post is the closest I'll come to doing something like that. If I actually were on drugs I'd probably write something like this:
poop ha ha hahahahahahahahahaha poop.
07 June 2010
The Day Mcgruff the Crime Dog Was Taken Out Back and Shot
I am sorry to say that today's youth has been corrupted beyond hope. I draw this conclusion from my everyday observances. The other day I was in taco bell waiting for my order to be ready when I spied two young girls, about 11 years old, standing by the counter. I looked as they asked the guy standing there for water cups. At first I applauded their decision to stay hydrated, becasue Lord knows that if there is a problem among today's youth, it is improper hydration. Lord also knows that if there is another problem among today's youth, it's stealing...which is exactly what these girls did. I couldn't help but overhear the conversation that they had once they reached the soda machine with their cups.
Theif 1: "Just do it Sarah"
Theif 2: "I'm not so sure Claire."
Thefi 1: "Quick, no one's looking."
False.
I was looking.
I was looking as they both filled their free water cups, not with water, no, with Mountain Dew. I am fully aware of my authority as a citizen to make a citizens arrest, it is one of the activities on my list of things to do before I die, but I was too shocked by what I had just seen to do anything. Two seemingly innocent young girls committing theivery in broad daylight. I watched in disgust as they snapped lids on their cups and hastily made their way out the door. My heart ached for these two children who had strayed from the path of innocence. Today it was soda, tomorrow it's a bank.
I only wish I could have intervened before these girls made a decision that would haunt them for the rest of their lives. I have no other reason for writing this than to lament the loss of a generation and the pain that I feel for not doing something to bring goodness into these girls hearts. We must educate our children that stealing is wrong and will not be tolerated. I suggest we find Sarah and Claire and make examples of them and their unrepentant souls. It was only 8 oz. of Mountain Dew, but it caused infinity oz. of regret.
R.I.P the innocence of children.
I feel like Holden Caulfield.
Theif 1: "Just do it Sarah"
Theif 2: "I'm not so sure Claire."
Thefi 1: "Quick, no one's looking."
False.
I was looking.
I was looking as they both filled their free water cups, not with water, no, with Mountain Dew. I am fully aware of my authority as a citizen to make a citizens arrest, it is one of the activities on my list of things to do before I die, but I was too shocked by what I had just seen to do anything. Two seemingly innocent young girls committing theivery in broad daylight. I watched in disgust as they snapped lids on their cups and hastily made their way out the door. My heart ached for these two children who had strayed from the path of innocence. Today it was soda, tomorrow it's a bank.
I only wish I could have intervened before these girls made a decision that would haunt them for the rest of their lives. I have no other reason for writing this than to lament the loss of a generation and the pain that I feel for not doing something to bring goodness into these girls hearts. We must educate our children that stealing is wrong and will not be tolerated. I suggest we find Sarah and Claire and make examples of them and their unrepentant souls. It was only 8 oz. of Mountain Dew, but it caused infinity oz. of regret.
R.I.P the innocence of children.
I feel like Holden Caulfield.
03 June 2010
Cast of Characters
Just like any play or movie, my life has a wide range of characters, all of whom play a different part in my ongoing saga as a struggling student with a dream of one day having a dream to fufill.(in the words of great-grandam Jones(r.i.p.), "You probably weren't good enough anyway")
I've decided to write up a cast list of these characters sand tell you a little about each one:
Floyd Pope Walters III-
My father, and yes, that is his real name. He is a very light sleeper and is quick with a story to relate to the current situation. He grew up in the middle of nowhere in California. His favorite activities include being a mortgage broker and sitting in the armchair next to the lamp, hoping that I miss curfeww so he can scold me.
Diana Walters-
Mom. She was born and raised in Argentina. She has an accent and makes good food. Her activities include scratching my back and tucking me in.
Veralden-
Veralden is the short hand for my sister Veronica and her husband Alden. Alden is bad at video games and chess and thinks he can steal my mother's love. Veronica just sort of sits there. It's almost embarrasing how much better than Alden I am at everything. They currently live in Utah.
The rest of my siblings:
There's 3 of them. Two girls and a guy. The guy, Seth, speaks chinese and is in Austrailia right now. Meh.
Jeff Facer-
I support him in all he does and he supports me. We have none of the same interests but we've been friends for a long time. And by friends I mean I want to be his friend. Please Jeff. Give me a chance. His activities include shredding hardcore and musical theatre.
ChiChi-
She has a blog too. It's pretty good. She is very nice and sleeps a lot. I think she is good at singning but i have never heard her sing alone. She is very loyal, like the dog Chance, in "Homeward Bound". Great movie. I recommend it.
John Potter-
This guy. He wrote a novel. I plan on riding the coat tails of his success. He is always on my team when we play army men.
Saige Miley-
I just met her, but something tells me that it's just the beginning of a long aquaintanceship. Ouch. I bet that hurt Saige, I bet that hurt real bad. Just kidding...friendship. she is nice. Her activities inlcude...I'm not sure what, I haven't known her that long. Hopefully it's nothing creepy like fetus worship or smoking crack, cause then I wouldn't be her friend.
Harry Potter-
I got through Middle school by reading Harry Potter and eating ice cream.
The guy living in my brain-
get out. GEEEEETTTTTT OUUUUUTTTTTT!!!!! Stop telling me I suck and have man breasts, because for your information I don't!!!!!!
I forgot the mention a lot of people. I'm sorry. To be honest, this was just a ploy to satisfy one of my friends request for a blog post about them. I'll let you guess which one it was. I promise something better next time.
The End
I've decided to write up a cast list of these characters sand tell you a little about each one:
Floyd Pope Walters III-
My father, and yes, that is his real name. He is a very light sleeper and is quick with a story to relate to the current situation. He grew up in the middle of nowhere in California. His favorite activities include being a mortgage broker and sitting in the armchair next to the lamp, hoping that I miss curfeww so he can scold me.
Diana Walters-
Mom. She was born and raised in Argentina. She has an accent and makes good food. Her activities include scratching my back and tucking me in.
Veralden-
Veralden is the short hand for my sister Veronica and her husband Alden. Alden is bad at video games and chess and thinks he can steal my mother's love. Veronica just sort of sits there. It's almost embarrasing how much better than Alden I am at everything. They currently live in Utah.
The rest of my siblings:
There's 3 of them. Two girls and a guy. The guy, Seth, speaks chinese and is in Austrailia right now. Meh.
Jeff Facer-
I support him in all he does and he supports me. We have none of the same interests but we've been friends for a long time. And by friends I mean I want to be his friend. Please Jeff. Give me a chance. His activities include shredding hardcore and musical theatre.
ChiChi-
She has a blog too. It's pretty good. She is very nice and sleeps a lot. I think she is good at singning but i have never heard her sing alone. She is very loyal, like the dog Chance, in "Homeward Bound". Great movie. I recommend it.
John Potter-
This guy. He wrote a novel. I plan on riding the coat tails of his success. He is always on my team when we play army men.
Saige Miley-
I just met her, but something tells me that it's just the beginning of a long aquaintanceship. Ouch. I bet that hurt Saige, I bet that hurt real bad. Just kidding...friendship. she is nice. Her activities inlcude...I'm not sure what, I haven't known her that long. Hopefully it's nothing creepy like fetus worship or smoking crack, cause then I wouldn't be her friend.
Harry Potter-
I got through Middle school by reading Harry Potter and eating ice cream.
The guy living in my brain-
get out. GEEEEETTTTTT OUUUUUTTTTTT!!!!! Stop telling me I suck and have man breasts, because for your information I don't!!!!!!
I forgot the mention a lot of people. I'm sorry. To be honest, this was just a ploy to satisfy one of my friends request for a blog post about them. I'll let you guess which one it was. I promise something better next time.
The End
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